


Small Bump

by rosehathaway



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But she comes back, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post S4, Unplanned Pregnancy, also she's pregnant, and they work it out, because obviously that's the only real possibility, erin leaves for new york, it ignores everything, this was written before s5 so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 05:01:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16078955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosehathaway/pseuds/rosehathaway
Summary: Erin realizes she's pregnant her second month in New York. Jay deserves to know he's going to be a father, so she heads back to Chicago, so they can figure this out.





	1. Chapter 1

It's late when she realizes she's—well—late. At first, she thinks it’s because of the stress. The aftermath of leaving behind her family, her job, Jay. But the uneasy feeling in her stomach, and the second time she gets sick has her buying one of those home pregnancy tests. She even splurges on the one that’s the most expensive, but also has the highest accuracy rate.

It’s a good thing this is New York, she thinks. In Chicago, she would risk running into someone she knows at literally every corner. But here, she’s barely made a friend in the month since she moved. She’s mostly been working anyway.

She doesn’t worry about the test. She literally only does it to put her mind at ease, being 90 % sure that she can’t possibly be pregnant. Because how?

But there was that one night—after Jay had already left. One night when they’d stumble into their apartment after one too many drinks at Molly’s. When it was too hard to maintain that distance that he put between them, and their bodies decided to act on their own. After they’d been apart for two weeks. After she’d forgotten to take her pill, because it didn’t matter anyway, because Jay was gone, and it’s not like she was going to sleep with somebody else.

That night only comes back to her when the two lines on the stick flash at her. They might as well be neon, she thinks, as she stares at the thing. They hurt her eyes just as much.

With a loud thump, she throws the test to the trash, her mind reeling. Tears sting her eyes, and she doesn’t know what to do with the mixture of sorrow, happiness and confusion that overwhelm her. But she knows one thing for sure.

Her life is about to change forever.

* * *

There are a lot of nights of tossing and turning. She calls in sick to buy herself some time, scheduling an appointment at the doctor’s office, to make sure this isn’t some sort of false alarm. When she knows that this is real—that it isn’t going away, she puts on her brave face on Monday, asking for a sit down with her boss. It goes as well as it can, and she walks away with a clear conscience, and an offer to come back anytime she likes.

Agent Spencer seems surprised when Erin mentions she is moving back, but she gives her a number of her friend at the branch in Chicago. She’ll need to call them for any jobs available. It still baffles her that FBI wants her so badly. All she’s ever done is her job—bringing justice to her streets. And since she can’t continue doing that with the CPD, she’s happy she has another option. Especially because rumour has it that baby stuff is expensive.

Moving is something she has to do. Not because it’s the right thing to do—even though it is. She has to do this for two reasons. Because she once swore to herself that if she ever had children, she would do everything in her power to make sure they would never have the same childhood as her. And she won’t, in her good conscience, let her baby grow up without a father.

The second reason makes her smile without even knowing it. Jay. She has to at least tell him. He can decide for himself whether he wants to be a part of this (even though she doesn’t insult his character by thinking he wouldn’t want to raise his kid). She knows what his answer will be. But even if she didn’t, she can’t take that choice away from him. It’s what she owes him, after everything they have been through together.

And that is what has her knocking on the door of his new place, swallowing nervously as she waits for him to open. She knows he’s home, because she has spent the last couple of hours sitting in front of the building, almost freezing to death while she tried to gather the courage to go upstairs. The spring days can be warm, but this particular one chills her to the bones and she foolishly didn’t bring her jacket.

She hears the footsteps, and there is a momentary pause and she imagines he’s looking to see who it is, wondering if he’ll even open. After what she did to him, she’s not sure she would’ve opened the door to herself.

But she hears the lock, and then the door swings open, and he’s there. It all comes rushing back—the longing, the love. She wants to touch him, hold him, kiss the pain behind those baby blues away, and tell him everything will be alright, but it’s not her job anymore. She lost that right, when she left without saying a word of goodbye.

“Hi,” she manages to get out, her heart giving out like crazy. “Can we talk?”

She can’t imagine what he must be thinking. It’s funny, because she used to be really good at knowing what’s going on in that beautiful head of his, but now, as she stands there on his doorstep, she has no idea.

The door moves, and she’s starting to think he is going to slam the door in her face after all, but he grabs his jacket and steps outside. Guarded, she thinks, protecting his personal space. It doesn’t come as a surprise.

She doesn’t mention the fact that she’s freezing, because she’s been sitting on that bench for far too long. Can cold be bad for the baby? She scolds herself. If she gets sick, it will be bad for the baby. She’s already terrible at this, and it’s only day one.

“It’s best if we go somewhere else,” he murmurs. “I’m living with Will, and he’s not a big fan of you right now.”

That would explain it. He heads for his car, and she follows, biting her lip in anticipation. The conversation they’re about to have is not only going to be the hardest thing she’s ever had to do (and she’s beaten her addiction twice), but it will also alter their lives for good. Every choice they make from now on will be affected by it.

She’s happy when he blasts the heat in the car, catching a concerned glance from him. He drives to the park, but when they get out of the car, she has warmed up enough that she no longer minds the cold. Even the opposite, it makes her mind clearer.

“I know you have no reason to talk to me,” she starts, when he looks at her expectantly. To avoid eye contact (which she never used to do before), she starts walking slowly. He follows suit, walking alongside of her. “You probably hate me, and maybe after I tell you this, you’ll hate me even more.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“That’ll make things easier,” she replies. Her cheeks burn bright with relief.

“I just can’t take you out of this. I can’t not tell you. What you do with it, is your choice. If you want nothing to do with it, just say so. But I know you, and I know you’d want to know.”

“You’re babbling,” he notices, and he nods.

“I’m nervous.”

“Erin, whatever it is. I’m sure we can fix it.”

It the use of _we_ that makes a tear roll down her cheek, and she blurts the words out for him and the world around to hear.

“I’m pregnant.”

“What?”

She repeats the words, and then everything stands still for a second. He looks confused. Baffled. Surprised. Then a sliver of hope. A hint of a smile tugs the corners of his lips up, and she stares at him.

Then, to her amazement, he pulls her into a hug. It must have been the look in her eyes, she thinks, that made him pull her body against his like they used to do. The relief comes rushing in, because she finally told him, and her body shakes with long-supressed sobs as they stand there, in the middle of the park. The world around them goes on, but they’re caught in a time bubble for a few minutes.

“You must’ve been so scared,” he whispers, and she wonders how is it that he can still get her so perfectly.

“You’re thinking about how I felt?”

“Old habits,” he says, and her heart breaks a little. “I don’t know how yet, but we’ll figure this out. You’re not alone in this.”

And just like that, everything falls into place. She’s still terrified, but this is her partner, her best friend. She knows if there is one person she can do this with, it’s him.

“I had a feeling you’d say that.”

“Shit, let’s get you out of this cold. You could get sick,” he almost spits the words out with hurry, muttering something about the coldest spring he remembers, and he’s already leading her toward a little bistro where they often had breakfast when they were together. The last time, if memory serves her, was the morning after the night that changed everything. When they had the conversation about “ideal situations”. This is anything but ideal, she thinks as she devours her stack of pancakes while he watches her with an amused expression. But things in life rarely are.

“I want to be a part of this. A dad to this baby.”

“I didn’t doubt that for a second, Jay. And I would never take that away from you.” She finally sets the fork down. It’s time to talk this through.

“Thank you. I realize that you could’ve kept this to yourself, and I never would’ve known. I wouldn’t have known I have a son, or a daughter, and I just… Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“I think I just need to sleep on it,” he admits. He still looks amazed, and she can’t blame him, when she hasn’t even wrapped her mind around it yet. “It still seems so surreal.”

“Of course,” she murmurs. “There is time. Seven months to be exact.”

“We’ll talk more,” he promises, waving the waitress for the check. “I just need to process.”

“That’s understandable,” she says with a nod. “It’s a big complication.”

He shakes his head. “Not complication. Adjustment. Surprise. But never complication. Don’t you dare call our baby that.”

Their baby. Their baby that’s just a blip on the monitor for now, but in a few months, it will be a little pink blue-eyed baby. With his freckles, she decides, as she instinctively places her hand on her belly. There is nothing there yet, of course.

“Listen, this might not have happened the most traditional way, intentionally and all. But I can’t help but being happy about it. I just think about it, and it just feels right.”

It’s not as she lays awake at night, battling with the same happiness at the thought of their unborn child.

* * *

“Erin, hey! I was surprised when you called for an appointment.” Natalie’s cheerful voice makes her headache even worse. She closes her eyes and takes a breath.

“Nobody was more surprised than I was,” she admits with a smile. Just because her head is about to split open, it doesn’t mean she has a right to be a bitch.

“You ready?”

“Would you mind waiting just a second?” She glances at her phone, biting her lip. Then rushed footsteps on the hospital floor announce that Jay hasn’t forgotten about their “date”.

“Sorry, Voight was a pain about me leaving.”

She shrugs. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

“You guys ready?” Natalie asks and they nod, following her to the exam room. She explains the procedure while getting the ultrasound ready. Jay stands next to Erin the whole time, and she gets this insane feeling that he’s fighting an urge to hold her hand.

“There it is. Everything looks good. I would say you’re about 8 weeks along.” Erin nods, her mind invaded with a memory of Jay making love to her that night. _You were made out of love. So much love._ And even though they’re not together anymore, it doesn’t make all that love evaporate. It’s still there, and it just means this baby will be all the more loved for it. “That means we should be able to hear the heartbeat.”

Natalie turns the monitor towards them, and Erin knows, from the moment she sees her baby—from the moment a knot forms in her throat, and she is lost for words—that this baby will never feel shortage of love. She finally gets that feeling that everyone describes—unconditional love of a mother. And as she hears her baby’s heart beat for the first time, and her eyes meet Jay’s, she knows she’s not alone in this. He swallows hard, letting a tear escape his eye as he smiles at her.

Their hands reach out simultaneously, as if drawn together by something bigger than them. It’s almost as if that little bump wants them to hold each other’s hand as they experience this special moment together.

Natalie gives Erin some tips and advice to make some of symptoms more bearable. Jay listens as well, trying to catch anything useful to alleviate the suffering she’s been going through almost every morning.

They leave the room with an ultrasound picture each, and their hearts fuller than ever.

* * *

“Jay, man, what are you doing here?”

He’s not fast enough, covert enough to hide the ultrasound scan he was just gazing at, and he sees his brother’s eyes widen with surprise as he sees it. He opens his mouth—probably to ask about it—when Erin catches up with Jay after staying to chat with Natalie. He sees Will put two and two together. It was not how he was going to tell him, but lately nothing is going according to his plans.

“Really? First you leave without a goodbye, leaving the guy with a ring in his hand and a ton of broken promises and shattered dreams, and now you’re playing family?”

He closes his mouth quickly after realizing what he said, and they both look at Erin, wondering if she caught it. She did. Her instincts of a detective are still there, intact, and perhaps sharper since she joined the FBI.

She looks like she’s just gotten slapped in the face, and before either of them can say anything, she turns and she’s rushing out of the hospital so fast, he has to actually try to keep up.

“Erin, please wait—”

But nothing he says or does is enough to stop her from getting into her car and leaving him, yet again.

He plots the murder of his brother in his mind, but first he has to find Erin, so he can explain everything, before she jumps to her own conclusions.

* * *

“I need a new hiding spot,” she mutters, when he sits down on the bench right next to her. She should have known he would have found her here. After all, how many times did they sit here together, talking when things were rough, or simply sitting in silence—just being.

“Is it true?” She asks quietly. “You were going to propose?”

He just nods.

“But we weren’t even in a good place. You were staying at Will’s.”

“It didn’t matter. I wanted you to know that no matter how rough it gets, I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“But you didn’t say anything,” she says, her voice breaking a little. Even the thought of it, of how happy they could have been together if she hadn’t left makes her slightly nauseous.

“Because when I saw you that last time, I realized you deserve better than some half-assed proposal. I was going to do it that night, the right way, but I never got a chance.” He doesn’t say it as an accusation, but it pierces her heart as one anyway. Because she never gave him a chance.

“I’m sorry.” She finds his eyes. It’s important that she looks at him when she says that, because she knows that if words fail her, their silent communication would not. “What I did was cruel and I have no good reason for it, except I’m terrible at goodbyes. I figured it would hurt less if I just made a clean cut.”

“Did it? Hurt less?”

“No. If anything, knowing what I did to you, hurt even more.” He nods, because yes, he imagined it did. “This is all so messed up,” she admits. “I don’t want to get back together just for the sake of the baby. That kind of relationship will never hold, and the fallout will be even worse this time. But whatever our past, we’ll work it out for the sake of this baby.”

“While we’re talking about it, I have my own apology to make.” He pushes away the thought of the ring he still hasn’t returned to the vault. The thought of his heart jumping up and down with joy when she showed up on his doorstep.

“You don’t have to—”

“Yes, I do. Pretending you’re the only one to blame is just stupid, and you deserve to know why I left. I met with Abby that night. We agreed she would bring me the divorce papers. She didn’t. I’m guessing she thought there was something between us. It’s why she didn’t sign the papers all those years ago. She believed in an illusion. But I couldn’t just go home to you, and pretend like I wasn’t married to someone else. It was like my past and my present collided and I couldn’t handle it. And you, Erin, and us, it was the one pure thing I ever had in my life. And in not wanting to ruin it, I did exactly that. I ruined it. I made you think you had nothing left to stay for, and I’m sorry.”

She cries. Maybe it’s the hormones, or the fact that this feels like a funeral for their dead relationship; a wake for the love they felt for each other—the love they still feel for each other; a eulogy of their story. She cries for a future they could have had under different circumstances.

And when there are no more tears, and no more pain, and all she feels is a huge void inside her chest, he’s still there, and she prays to the God she never believed in, that he always will be.

* * *

“Lindsay! Yo girl, what were you thinking, leaving without a goodbye?” The guys surround her, and it brings a smile to her lips against her will. It’s family, she thinks, as she receives bear hugs from the guys, including Al. Only family can forgive you something so cruel in a blink of an eye.

Their eyes travel to Jay then, as in wondering how this magical return is affecting him, but he doesn’t give anything away. His lips also spread wide when he sees her, remembering the morning appointment. It was then that they decided to tell Voight that same day. This baby was real all of the sudden, and the seven months seemed like not enough time for everything they needed to get done before he arrived to this world.

Jay follows her to Voight’s office, both of them knowing that they just spread a curious wave around the bullpen. He finds Erin in Voight’s hug, though his eyes flicker curiously to Jay when he closes the office door behind him.

“Something wrong?”

“Not really,” Erin starts. Jay knows this is hard for her. Though he has seen her growing enthusiasm and love for the baby, he knows this feels a little bit like admitting a failure to Voight. He wishes he could do more to help. “I’m moving back to Chicago.” Then the flood of words comes out, and she says it so quickly that Jay doesn’t even know if the man heard her at first. But the expression on his face tells a different story.

“Hmmm.” It’s all he gives them both. Non-comital shrug and a _hmm._ Jay sees the exact moment when Erin’s anger bubbles to the surface, and it’s why he knows she’ll storm out of there, and she does not disappoint. It leaves him trying to catch up with her, unwillingly wondering what this anger and this running is doing to the baby.

* * *

“You know what, I don’t care. It’s our baby, who cares what he thinks. He doesn’t even have to see it.”

She’s been saying the same thing for the past half an hour, and Jay wishes he could make this better for her, but instead he has to take the cup of coffee she so diligently prepared for herself away from her.

She glares at him. “I get to have one cup a day.”

“I just happen to know you’ve already had one cup today,” he says, pointing to the sink, where an unwashed empty cup with traces of the desired beverage lies. She glares again, but this time, she doesn’t protest.

Instead, she sprints to the bathroom, nearly knocking him to the floor with the force. He lets out a sigh. It makes him feel helpless that he can’t help her with Hank, and he can’t help with pregnancy symptoms, including morning sickness that has been more like an all-day sickness. He read that it was supposed to get better in the second trimester, and for her sake, he hopes that’s true.

* * *

“Jay, what are you doing here?” She looks mildly annoyed, and the first thought that crosses his mind is that she maybe has a guy inside, and he’s interrupting a date—or worse.

He looks at her with an open mouth. “I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I could see how my son is doing. What do you have in your hair?”

“How do you know it won’t be a daughter? Huh?” She reaches up, feeling something sticky, so she retracts her hand. “I need to clean up.”

“What’s going on?”

“You’re going to laugh at me,” she pouts.

“I won’t.”

“I’m learning to cook,” she mumbles so unclearly he has to ask her to repeat it. “I need to eat healthier. At some point I have to stop living off of take out. And the baby is going to eat something other than milk at some point, though luckily for me, not for a while, because I’m terrible at it.” She points at her hair. “Hence, the sticky stuff in my hair.”

He laughs, even though he promised he wouldn’t, earning himself a glare, and an almost slammed door in his face. But she looks so adorable with her hair a mess, an unknown substance on her shirt, and her lips forming a pout. He feels an overwhelming wave of love for her, for how she’s already trying to be the best mom, and their little treasure hasn’t even been born yet.

“Wait.” He stops the door with his arm. “Since I think we can both agree that you being healthy is in both of our interests, why don’t you let me help you? I can give you lessons.”

“You sure that’s how you want to be spending your free time?”

There is something behind that question, even though she doesn’t want it to be. But she hasn’t seen Jay even make attempt at dating or moving on, and the painful ache in her chest makes sure to remind her that’s her fault.

“I’m sure.”

“It’s Friday night, no hot date?” She almost hates herself for asking that, and it makes it even worse when he flinches at the question.

“It’s kind of hard to find someone with our hours,” he murmurs, but she can tell he’s not telling her the truth. At least not the whole truth. And despite she doesn’t deserve it, for the first time she feels hope.

“Come in then. I’ll get you an apron.”

There is a missed opportunity somewhere in there, she thinks, for a househusband comment, but somehow, she doesn’t feel like she has the right to make those anymore. So instead she closes the door, and tries not to get too excited at the prospect of them cooking together.

* * *

A call wakes him up at 2am. Two weeks ago, he would’ve panicked when seeing Erin’s name flash on the screen, but this little minx has gotten quite used to calling her new personal delivery guy.

“Hey,” he answers, keeping his voice down so he doesn’t wake up his brother.

“You baby wants a cheeseburger,” she whines as a greeting, and he has to smile against his will. Even though she just woke him up, even though he will not be rested tomorrow, the words _your baby_ make everything okay for Jay.

“I’m on my way.”

He has a feeling these cravings won’t go away anytime soon.

* * *

“Now add salt, but not too much. Not like the last time.”

She rolls her eyes, remembering how they had to throw out the entire dish because she put so much salt on it, it burned their mouths. She doesn’t tell him that she spilled too much salt on it, because he was standing too close, and she could smell his orange scent, and it felt just like old times until her hand slipped.

This time, she actually manages to produce something edible under his supervision, and after, he stays to eat. It feels too much like it used to, when he’d cook and they’d eat together and talk about their days.

“So, what’s your plan? Are you gonna go back to CPD?”

“I don’t think that’s an option for me,” she murmurs. She has taken some time to process, to move again, so she hasn’t been thinking about work that much, but last week, she finally gave a call to Spencer’s contact at the Chicago branch of the FBI, and he assured her that they have a position for her, starting with desk job when she wants it. Erin suspects Spencer must’ve called in some big favour, because it seems too good to be true. Who wants to hire a pregnant woman who is going on leave in a couple of months?

“I’m going back to the FBI,” she says. “Don’t worry, desk job for now.”

“Not worried,” he replies. He means it. She has given up most of unhealthy foods in the past two weeks (except cravings cause that’s the baby’s fault), and she hasn’t even touched alcohol, though he knows she keeps a six-pack in her fridge for him that neither of them have touched. She sleeps enough, or at least tries to. She is doing everything she possibly can to make sure this baby is as healthy as it can be. He doesn’t worry about her taking any risks, because she has proven to him that she’s taking this seriously.

They both look up when the bell rings, and he raises his eyebrows. “You expecting someone?”

“No. Nobody comes here, except you.” She hasn’t given out her new address to many people. She looks through the peep hole and opens the door with a sigh.

“Hank. What do you want?”

“I want to apologize.” She sees the exact moment when he sees Jay in the background, and his confidence falters a little. Erin tries very hard not to enjoy it too hard.

“Well come on in then.”

She doesn’t know why she gives in so easily. Why half an hour later she has smudged mascara on her cheeks, but they are sitting and eating together, already as a family—maybe for the first time as one.

And Hank isn’t scowling at Jay, and Jay isn’t acting weird, and they’re talking about everything that needs to get done before the birth. It seems good. Solid.

A solid foundation for her baby—their baby to be born into. For the first time in months, she’s overcome with a real sense of peace.

* * *

Peace doesn’t last long.

She wakes up that night with a sharp pain in her stomach, accompanied by a sense of sheer panic. It’s excruciating. She knows right away that something must be wrong. Changing her position, she waits for the pain to go away, but it doesn’t. The fear doubles. It’s not like she’s been pregnant before. She doesn’t know what normal is, but she thinks this pain can’t be it.

She can barely manage to get to her phone to call Jay. Because he’s still the one person she calls when there is trouble, and this is as bad as it gets.

“Hello? What does the baby want to eat now?”

“Jay, something is wrong. It hurts. Please come,” she all but sobs into the phone. She hears him rush to his feet, and he stays on his phone while waking his brother in a hurry. He tells her to calm down, that it’s gonna be alright, but a sense of dread fills her whole being.

This can’t be happening. She can’t be losing this baby. Not now when she wants it so badly. When she already loves him more than anything or anyone.

She is curled up on the floor of the bathroom when they come. Will and Natalie following a Jay she’s never seen before. So worried, he almost seems angry.

He has to break the door, because he doesn’t have a key, and she can’t manage to get up. But that’s the least of their problems right now. She’s crying when he falls to his knees, cupping her wet face gently. The two doctors behind him surround her.

“Where does it hurt, Erin?”

She points to the approximate location of pain. Will nods, and Jay squeezes her hand, brushing her damp her off of her face. He looks as scared as she feels.

“On a scale of 1—10, how bad is the pain? Does it come and go, or is it constant?”

“10,” she whispers. “Please make it stop. Please. My baby. It’s constant. Sharp.”

“Okay, we need to get her to the hospital. I can help you carry—” He stops in the middle of the sentence, because by the time he finishes, Jay already scoops her into his arms as gently as he possibly can. Every weep and cry break his heart as he carries her down the stairs to the car.

“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you,” he murmurs—his voice soft and like a balm to her ears. He wishes he could tell her it’s going to be alright, but he’s as scared as she is. And he doesn’t know if it is going to be alright or not.

He stays on the backseat with her, knowing he’s unfit to drive. The last thing they need is him causing an accident on the way to the hospital. He tries to cushion the vibrations and movements of the car for her, but he knows it’s only making her pain worse. “We should’ve waited for an ambulance.”

“We’re almost there,” Will reassures him, pulling into the emergency drive-up.

Natalie has called ahead, so the gurney is waiting for them. They load Erin and take her in, and at some point, he has to stay behind, and let them take her to be examined. He sees his fear reflected in her eyes, and until that very moment he didn’t realize how much he already loves this unborn child.

But he puts on the brave face, because this is the moment she needs him the most. She needs him to be strong for all of them.

“It’s gonna be okay.” He presses a light kiss on top of her head. They must’ve given her something, because her pain is slightly less severe. But her forehead is still damp, and so is her hand when she slips it into hers.

“Hey, guys. The ultrasound showed that Erin is most likely experiencing an ovarian torsion. It means that your ovary has sort of wrapped around, and it’s cutting off the blood flow. She is going to need surgery,” Natalie explains.

“Surgery?”

“We will go in laparoscopically, making a small incision under your bellybutton, and to put it simply, untwist it, and release the torsion.”

“And the baby?”

“There are risks, but those risks are the smallest in the first trimester. I’m gonna need you to sign a consent form, and then we’ll get you prepped. The sooner we do the surgery the better.”

“Okay,” she all but whispers. Jay’s hand still hasn’t left hers, and she feels some of his strength transferring to her. She can’t imagine doing this alone.

Natalie leaves, and they get a minute to themselves. “Did you call Hank?” He nods.

“He’s dealing with a case, but he’s gonna drop by as soon as possible.”

She nods again, feeling so helpless. “Tell me something,” she pleads. “A secret.”

“I’m scared.”

“I’m scared too.”

They come to prepare her for surgery, and he has to let go. “I love you,” he murmurs, before they wheel her off to the OR. He’s not sure if she heard it, or if she’s going to remember it after the surgery, but he has to tell her.


	2. Chapter 2

“I had a feeling I’d find you here,” Will whispers, not wanting to disturb the praying couple of their left. The chapel is small, just enough for a couple of people to fit in, but as most hospital, Chicago Med has one.

It’s funny, Will thinks, they look just like two people, but he knows that their daughter is in surgery, and she’s likely not going to make it. He knows they’ve fought twice since they got to the hospital, but now he’s holding her closer than ever, their hearts crying in perfect unison. He sees a lot of people here, broken, desperate. His brother is the one person he doesn’t want to see like this.

Jay looks up from his laced hands. “I’ve never felt so helpless in my life,” he admits, his voice breaking, as his brother slides onto the bench next to him.

“You got her here. You did what you could.”

“I lov—I love her.” Though he hides it from her, he can’t lie in here. “I love this baby more than I even knew possible. I can’t lose them.”

“You won’t,” Will tries to assure him, but as a doctor, he knows the risks of every surgery, no matter how minimum they are. “You talking to the guy above?”

“I just hope he’s listening,” Jay murmurs in reply. He doesn’t remember the last time he was in church. He doesn’t exactly have time between cases. He’s not even sure he still believes. They grew up in a catholic family, so church on Sundays was a family thing, but after everything he saw overseas, it was difficult for him to keep believing. But since he cannot swoop in and save her, no matter how much he wants to, it’s the only thing that makes him feel less helpless.

“Listen, I know I haven’t been very supporting since Erin got back, mostly because I’m afraid she’ll shatter your heart again.” Jay nods. He knows it hasn’t been easy for Will, watching him break after she left. “But you guys are making it work. And I’ve never seen you happier than these past couple of weeks. Now, you just gotta believe that everything will turn out alright.”

They sit there, and Jay welcomes the silence, but at the same time dreads it, because it enables all the scary thoughts to get louder. His brother stays there with him, his moral support more than welcome. It feels good to not be alone.

Then Will’s phone buzzes, and Jay’s head snaps back to reality.

“Erin’s out of surgery,” Will tells him, a smile on his face telling Jay it went well. “They’re both fine.”

He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding all that time—how long was it? It feels like he sat there for hours, and at the same time no more than five minutes. For the first time, since Erin’s phone call, his shoulders relax. “Can I see her?”

“She’s still out, but I’ll take you to her.”

He turns to the simple altar before following his brother, wondering if the guy above really did hear him.

* * *

When she blinks her eyes awake, everything is so white. It’s one of the main reasons she has always hated hospitals. These damn bright white lights. The next thing she sees is Jay, leaning on the hospital bed, sleeping. She stretches her arm, touching his hair softly.

“Hey,” he murmurs. “You’re awake.”

“The baby?” It’s the first thing she asks—the first and the only thing she wants to know.

“The baby is fine,” he promises. “So are you.” Her head is still heavy from the anaesthesia, but her heart swells with relief and joy. “Everyone was here. Said they were sorry they had to find out this way, but they’re all happy you’re both okay.” Her eyes flicker to the flowers next to her bed, and the get-well cards. It brings out a smile.

“I’ve never felt fear like this,” she admits, closing her eyes.

“Neither have I.” And for two people who have seen their fair share of life and death situations, that says a lot. “Can I?”

She glances down at her hand resting protectively on her abdomen, and nods. His hand joins hers, laying on top of the small baby bump. “I haven’t noticed it before,” he says in awe. “That you’re showing a little.”

“I’ve been wearing baggy shirts,” she admits. She doesn’t mention that she can’t zip some of her jeans anymore. Or that her bras are uncomfortably tight. That she burst into tears when her favourite shirt was too tight to wear.

“You’re beautiful,” he assures.

She knows she’s not. She looks tired—courtesy of the infamous pregnancy fatigue. But she loves him for saying that. And she loves the feeling of his hand on her baby bump. “Have you fixed the door yet?” She asks if only to change the subject.

“I got my guy on it,” he says with a wink, making her laugh, but the truth is, he’s worried.  He doesn’t like her being alone, especially not after this. He still hasn’t forgotten her cries on the other side of the door. He doesn’t think he’s ever broken a door down with so much brute force (and breaking down doors is in his job description).

* * *

He keeps his word about fixing the door, so four days later when they make their way into the tiny apartment, it’s ready. “The lock was broken, so we changed it,” he explains, setting her bag on the floor. “Here are the both copies of the key.”

She nods, her eyes travelling around with a somber expression. As she takes the keys from his hand, their fingers brush, and she instantly regrets it. She misses being able to touch him. To feel his skin under her fingertips, his solid muscles promising safety as long as she was by his side. She misses feeling safe.

“You can take the couch,” she says, as if reading his mind. He looks at her to see if she’s joking. “Oh, please. You’ve got it all over your face. The last thing I want is for you to worry all the time, and not focus at work. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because I made you worried sick.”

“That went a lot easier than I expected.”

“I know you, Jay. You’ve been wanting to bring this up for two days.” Her words are a bucket of ice water for both of them. Because despite their relationship being in ruins, she’s still the person who knows him best—better than his family, and friends. The only person who even comes close is Mouse, but he’s away on a tour—a fact she knows is another one of his worries.

She slides one key off, and offers it to him. “I also think you should have this. If we’re going to do this together, we better start now.”

He takes his copy of the key and nods. Neither of them want a repeat of the broken door. Jay didn’t tell her how upset he got when he saw the door, when he saw the knocked off things—a result of Erin trying to get to the bathroom. They need to become a team again.

* * *

It’s so easy—too easy to slip back into their routine. He leaves for an hour to go get his things from Will’s, returning with a joking comment that Will and Nat are throwing a party because he finally left.

But all the joke does, is remind them of the day he walked out the door, leaving her crumpled on the floor, wishing she’d never learned that love could hurt this much.

“Apparently the baby is the size of an apple,” she says, lifting her eyes from her phone in an attempt to avoid the subject at hand. He chuckles.

“Really?”

She nods. Every time she goes online, she finds something that can be wrong with the baby, and it makes her want to punch a hole in the wall. This is new, and scary. They know, better than most people, how scary this world is, and they’re about to bring an innocent child into it. “Somehow thinking about the baby as an apple calms me down.”

“It’s gonna be a cute apple.”

She smiles. While Jay goes to get the groceries from the car, she unpacks her bag. Lately, she’s been realizing how unsuitable this place is for a child. Reading about all the hazards makes her want to cover her head with a pillow and go to sleep, but she knows they’ll have to do something about it.

They talk about it while preparing dinner together. Their willingness to work as a team shows in the kitchen, she thinks to herself, as they work side by side. While in the hospital she has compiled a list of foods that are good for the baby, and a list of forbidden fruits as she likes to call them. Natalie helped when she stopped by whenever she had five minutes. The doctor gave her so many useful advice, from someone who has been there and done it. Except Natalie had to do this all by herself—well with some help by her friends. But Erin can’t imagine doing this without Jay.

So she looks at him while cutting onions, finally having an excuse for the tears in her eyes. His shoulder brushes hers—they’re that close—and he glances back at her. “Thank you,” she says with a sniffle.

“For what?” He wonders, mildly amused at her onion cutting antics.

“For not letting me deal with this alone.”

He looks at her, and maybe for the first time in forever really sees her again. He sees all the insecurities and fears she’s battling on the inside. “Never,” he assures her, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. He knows her father was never there for her, and she grew up with a mother who didn’t give a damn, so this partnering thing is new to her. Surprising. He doesn’t take it as an insult.

She buries her head in his chest, sniffling some more, before she suddenly realizes what she’s done and steps back like she burnt herself. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, and before he can stop her, makes her way to the bathroom, where he’s pretty sure he can hear her cry.

* * *

When she appears half an hour later, her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, but she pretends nothing is wrong, so he follows her lead. He’s finished dinner while she was locked into the bathroom, so he sets the food on the table, happy when she digs in with an appetite he hasn’t seen from her in a while.

“If someone would’ve said to me you’d enjoy eating broccoli a year ago, I would’ve laughed in their face.”

“The green stuff is broccoli?”

He nods, chuckling when she stops in her chewing, processing the thought. “’S good,” she murmurs, before continuing eating.

“Good for the baby, too. Speaking of which, Will said something about prenatal vitamins.”

“Taking them.”

“Okay, just checking.” They eat the rest in silence, and then he sends her to bed, while he deals with the dishes, before searching the closet on the hallway for sheets and blankets. It’s weird being here with her, after living together in her previous apartment. Weird getting to know another surrounding with her, painfully aware this situation is only temporary, and there will come a time when he’ll have to leave.

It hurts thinking he won’t see her every day. That he won’t wake up next to her every morning like he once dreamed. That he won’t see their child every day, make breakfast and watch them get ready for school. He suffers even more with thoughts of Erin meeting someone else, because at some point she will. Maybe she will have kids with him, and he’ll just be that guy who drops by to meet his daughter or son.

He remembers her saying she didn’t want to get back together just because of the baby, and how his words of how the baby wouldn’t have anything to do with it got lost in his throat. How he swallowed words of how much he loves her, and how he would do anything to get another chance.

He sets the TV on Discovery, but his mind is elsewhere. His mind is in the future that gets more painful every time he goes over it, and yet still thinking about Erin holding their daughter, smiling, makes him happier than he is probably allowed to feel.

The sounds of her whimpers break his daydream, and he hurries to the bedroom, afraid something is wrong. Instead he finds her in restless slumber, sweat trickling down her face as she battles her dreams.

He reaches for her instantly, his gentle hand trying to shake her out of her nightmare and bring her back to him. It doesn’t work, so he shakes her arm, flinching when her eyes fly open with shock.

“It’s okay. It was just a dream,” he soothes, when she starts rambling about the baby. “You’re fine. The baby’s fine.”

“It was so real. They told me I lost it. That it was my fault.”

“What happened wasn’t your fault. You heard Will, there was nothing you could’ve done to prevent it.”

But the words do little, and he knows she feels guilty. She stubbornly wipes away the tears, and he reaches for her, for once forgetting he doesn’t have a right to anymore. She settles gratefully in his arms, laying her head on his shoulder just like she used to when they would get into bed.

He kisses the top of her head, wanting nothing more than to offer her some small sliver of comfort, and when her sobs finally stop and her body stops trembling, he’s glad he can be here for her. As he plays with her hair to soothe her, that’s the moment he knows he’ll always love her. There is nothing, no one, that can make him move on.

And with every day his baby grows inside her, he only loves her more.

* * *

A few days go by, when it’s all routine. He makes breakfast, makes sure she doesn’t overdo on coffee, then leaves for work. She nags about going back to work, then cooks (or tries to). When he comes home from work they eat, then without fail, she goes to bed every night. And every night he ends up in her bed, until she just relents and asks him to sleep by her side, at the chance that maybe, if he’s next to her, the bad dreams won’t come.

And they don’t. It’s the first night she sleeps all the way through, and she knows it’s a sign.

***

“Something is on your mind,” she states matter-of-factly. He shakes his head, but he can’t hide. She is one of the best detective he knows, and she pushes further. She’s also too close for him to bluff it off. A sleepless night turned into a Die Hard marathon on the couch. The volume is down, and he’s pretty sure she’s been napping for the past hour, so he’s surprised when she notices that his mind isn’t focused on the movie either.

“I was just thinking,” he admits, and isn’t really surprised when she looks at him expectantly. She’s not satisfied with the answer, so he decides to be honest. “Did you ever… consider,” he struggles for words, “you know, ending it?”

“You mean an abortion.” Her voice shakes as she pronounces the word. She looks up to stop the tears from forming, then she composes herself enough to give him an answer. “For a split second maybe. Right after I found out. I panicked. I was thinking about Bunny, and what a horrible mother she was, and how I couldn’t do it. How my baby deserved better than a mother like Bunny. But I never could have gone through with it.”

“Why?” He asks, even though he’s afraid to hear the answer. But sometimes, in order to truly move on, you need to ask the tough questions.

“Because it was your baby. It wasn’t some random one-night-stand knock-up. Intentional or not, it was made out of love, and our love was the purest thing I’ve ever had.” Her words feel like an echo of his apology that day on the beach. “And there is one thing I have that Bunny didn’t.”

“What’s that?”

“You,” she replies, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “That’s why I knew I could do it. Because I knew deep down, you wouldn’t leave me alone with this.”

She recalls the moment he first told her he loved her, after she had said it in the car. It was stupid, she thinks, to wait so long, but she was so grateful to him for giving her space, so she could say it when she was ready. She has been thinking about that moment a lot lately, those three words being stuck somewhere in the back of her mind, and she’s not sure why, but she’s had this weird feeling ever since she woke up after surgery.

His smile tells her the answer wasn’t as horrible as he expected. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I asked.”

“It’s okay. You have a right to know.”

“Thanks for being honest.” She nods, looking down again. She’s been doing this a lot lately. Avoiding his eyes, when all she wants to do is get lost in them. And maybe that’s the problem. They’ve been living together, sharing same old routines, same old habits, and yet they’re not together. And lately she’s been wondering if it really is because they’re done, or are they just fighting the inevitable truth—that they will always be in love.

“Hey. You’re going to be a great mom.”

“You think? I haven’t exactly had the greatest role model.”

“I don’t know. Camille seemed like a great mom.” That gets him a smile. He misses her smile. Her dimples on display at all times. Not that she had many reasons to smile before she left, but sometimes she’s give him one, and it would make his day.

“She was.”

“And as for Bunny, you know exactly what not to do.”

She snorts, rolling her eyes, but he has a point. Doing everything as an opposite to what Bunny did, would already make her a better mother. “And you’re gonna be a great dad, Jay. I never doubted that.”

“I guess I know exactly what not to do, too.”

In a rare moment of forgetting they’re not together, she leans her head on his shoulder. He closes his eyes, breathing her in, fearing the time when she’ll move her head, and the fantasy will vanish.

* * *

_Guys are going to Molly’s, you up for a drink?_

She’s about to text back that no, she doesn’t feel like going anywhere, when she realizes she misses company. It’s been mostly her for the past couple of days, and she’s back to work, so why not go for a drink (a non-alcoholic one obviously) with her friends.

_Sure. Pick me up?_

_On my way._

She searches for stuff to wear, groaning loudly when she realizes her last pair of pants doesn’t fit anymore.

“You ready?” She can hear the door open and wipes the tears away.

“Almost.” Decided she won’t let this little inconvenience get in the way of her fun night out, she rummages her closet for a pair of leggings, pulling a thin oversized pale blue sweater over it. 

“All done. Thanks for picking me up. I still don’t feel fine driving with these dizzy spells.”

“You really got the worst of the pregnancy symptoms,” he comments, and she nods. “Hey, have you been crying?”

Damn him for knowing her so well. She mumbles an answer that he doesn’t understand, so he raises his eyebrows at her, as he opens the car door for her. “My pants didn’t fit.”

He tries not to laugh, but his lips spread against his will, and she glares at him as a result. “That just means our baby is growing,” he tries to soothe her frustration, and it seems to work, because her face lights up a little. “You should go shopping. Maybe take Natalie, I’m sure she knows all the stores.”

She nods, as they get into the car. Trying to forget about it, she decided she’ll have a good time.

It feels nice to see the guys again, to laugh at their stupid jokes, even though she’s not a part of the unit anymore. She even enjoys listening to Ruzek ramble about how cool of an uncle he is going to be. “I’m not letting you anywhere near my baby,” she threatens jokingly, as he pretends to pout.

But there is a moment that spoils her whole night, despite all the efforts of enjoying it. It happens when Jay and her go to the bar to get more drinks. Some beautiful brunette approaches, sweet-talking on Jay’s side, completely ignoring Erin. It’s obvious she’s flirting with him, and though he dismisses her with a couple of polite words, it reminds Erin that he’s not hers anymore. She can very well pretend he is, since they pretty much live together, and it’s her bed he sleeps in every night, but at the end of the day, he’s a dad to her baby, but he’s also a man. And sooner or later, some other woman is going to catch his eye, and she will have a front row seat to him moving on.

The thought overwhelms her, so she stumbles outside, briefly telling him she needs some air. It doesn’t come as a surprise when he follows her, a worried expression on his face.

“You okay?”

She nods. “I’m fine. I just—I think I’m gonna go. You stay, I’ll get a cab.”

“if you’re leaving, I’m leaving.” He goes in to say goodbye to the guys, and grab his keys. They look worried, but he just explains Erin is tired, and they know. Antonio shoots him an understanding look.

The ride home is silent. Erin presses her head against the cool glass of the window and watches the traffic lights. “You could’ve stayed,” she murmurs, as they come through the door of the apartment. “That girl definitely wanted you to stay.”

“Is that what this was about?”

She bites her lip and looks down. The words don’t come out easy. “I just realized something.”

“What?”

“Someday, you’ll move on with someone. And I’ll have to be here to watch it.” It’s like she’s voicing his thoughts from the other night. Even when jealous, they’re always on the same page.  The thought burns, and he wonders if they’ll ever stop being on the same wave-length.

She leaves him standing in the living room, stunned without words, closing the bedroom door behind her.

She sleeps alone that night, crying herself to sleep, hoping her pillow muffles the soft sobs before the oblivion takes over.

* * *

Erin acts as if her little confession never happened, so he follows suit, acting normal. But her words burn in the back of his mind at all times, making him unsettled and unfocused. The team notices, and the worried glances continue throughout the week, but Jay doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, so they leave him alone, hoping he’ll sort it out on his own, but still offering silent support in the background.

The case drags out so he doesn’t see her as much. She pulls longer hours to make up for the fact she was on leave so soon after getting hired, and when she comes home, they don’t talk much, unless it’s about the baby.

Then one day, pictures of her shopping start to get in, as she fills his inbox with pictures of different maternity outfits, and that’s the first thing that puts a smile on his face after a long week.

He sends her a thumbs-up, with a grin accompanying his texting. The guys ask about it right away, but Jay decides to keep it just for himself, hoping that maybe they’ll overcome this distance that seems to hover between them.

* * *

It doesn’t end up being them that overcome it, but their growing baby, who apparently very much wants them together. They have a screening scheduled, and they meet at the hospital, Jay being punctual this time, since all he has to do is tell the boss where he’s going, and he gives him time off without a problem. Ruzek mutters something about giving the boss a grandchild to get favours, and he rolls his eyes before making his way out.

“We’ll just do standard multiple markers, and if there is anything unusual we’ll do more tests, so the nurse is going to take your blood. And around week 18 you should come back for an ultrasound. That sounds good?”

Erin nods, sneaking a look at Jay who looks at her with reassurance. They’ve had a serious conversation last night, and she admitted to him how worried she is there will be something wrong with the baby, and how she can’t relax completely or enjoy the pregnancy. He wishes he could reassure her more, so he’s glad they have the screening, which should ease some of her (their) concerns.

“You really didn’t have to come, it’s just a blood draw,” she murmurs, but he shakes his head.

“I’m here for every single appointment.”

She stares into his eyes, so she doesn’t even notice that the nurse already took her blood. She only looks away when a new candidate from 51 comes over to say hi to him (and drool all over). Erin does her best not to show her discomfort, but he catches the quick movement of her head.

“We should talk,” he says to her. “I can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“Nothing to talk about.”

“The results will be here in a couple of days, we’ll give you a call.”

“Thank you,” she says, grateful for the interruption. She doesn’t at all like Jay’s tone, or the fact he wants to talk. But he insists on taking her home after the screening, so there really is no way she can avoid it. And maybe it’s time to address this thing that’s been hanging over their heads for a while now.

* * *

“Let’s get this out of the way. You’ve been acting weird lately,” he starts, when they settle their things, and move to the living room.

“I just… I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I do. We need to be able to communicate, remember? So let clear the air and all.”

She looks down at her nails. “You’re not going to let this go?”

He shakes his head at her. “Sorry. Spill.”

“I feel like I’m ruining your life,” she starts reluctantly. She doesn’t want to say this, because when she says it, it makes her sound like the most selfish person on this planet. “Like I’m holding you back from moving on. Like with that girl at Molly’s the other night, and today with that candidate. I just feel like you probably should be moving on, and you’re not, and I’m the reason for that. And I’m sorry. But at the same time, I can’t help thinking that I don’t really want you to move on. And I know that having a baby together doesn’t mean we’re together, but it’s just really confusing.” A tear trickles down her cheek, just when she thought controlling her raging emotions was getting easier.

His hand strokes her cheek, wiping away the tear, and she finally dares to look up. There they are, the blues she loves drowning in. He doesn’t say anything for a long time, visibly thinking of what to say, and she starts regretting the words that came out of her mouth.

“Erin, never think you’re ruining my life. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me. You and this baby. I couldn’t be happier.” He pauses for a second, stepping even closer to her. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want to move on?”

Her eyes widen, because no, that was not a possibility she even considered, though sometimes, when she daydreams, she dreams about them being together again and her heart aches from the longing.

“Do you?” They say don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, but this is the one question she desperately needs to ask, in order to stay sane. She closes her eyes so tightly, she sees shadows behind her eyelids. This conversation is taking a turn to something, she’s not sure she’s ready to handle.

“No. I don’t want to move on from you. I want to move on with you.”

She needs a second for the words to settle in her mind, until she realizes what he just said, and her heart skips a single beat, but she still can’t register what he means.

“You mean…”

“Yes.”

She’s looking into his eyes, and she wonders for the shortest moment if they’re talking about the same thing, and then she knows. Because how could he be talking about anything else, when he’s looking at her the same way he did that night when he told her he loved her for the first time. She can be wrong about a lot of things, but she’s never been wrong about that.

The air between them thickens, her heart beats faster, and she takes a step closer. She leans up as he leans down, closing in, but not touching. Relishing in the wonderful anticipation of what is about to happen.

When his lips finally capture hers, after weeks of wanting, and longing, and missing, it’s not some huge moment. It’s not fireworks, or popping champagne on New Year’s. It’s coming home after a tough day at work. It’s sunshine on your skin after a long winter. It’s not a big moment, but it’s still everything.

And she wonders how she could ever be nervous, because kissing him will never not feel like coming home. Suddenly, she can’t remember one good reason for leaving, and it just feels so stupid. All the time they’ve lost suddenly seems irreplaceable.

But maybe it was what they needed. To rebuild their relationship on a solid foundation—the foundation they forgot about when they both left. They had to become partners again, before they could become something more.

Then it happens. A smallest, shortest, tiniest move. Like somebody is tickling her from the inside. A flutter of a butterfly’s wing. And she knows it’s a sign. She feels her lips spreading into a smile, as the tears wet her cheeks.

“It moved. Jay, it moved. The baby moved.” He pulls her closer, his hand next to hers where their child is growing slowly.

Erin has never believed in fairy tales. But as she stands there, closer to him than ever, with his lips pressed against her forehead, she thinks maybe hers just came true. Because if she has Jay, and their family, it will be better than anything she could ever want.

* * *

They decide not to tell anyone yet, wanting to stay a little while longer inside of this bubble they’ve built for themselves. Though this thing between them is old, and they’ve gone through this, it still feels fresh somehow.

And they talk—they talk so much she thinks she’ll lose her voice, but they talk about everything, so the air between them is clear and they both know for sure they want the same thing.

“What about this one?”

“It’s nice,” she murmurs sleepily, barely looking up from where her head is resting on his chest. He can tell she’s drifting, and he remembers reading that it’s important for her to rest whenever she feels sleepy, so he sets the tablet on the coffee table and pulls the thin blanket over her shoulder. Instantly, he feels her breathing slow, and he strokes her back soothingly, thinking.

He has some savings, mostly the money they got back from the apartment after Erin left. He’s sure she still has it too. They can get a loan as well, but the baby stuff is expensive, and they haven’t even started buying anything yet. He knows there are thousands of things to be worried about, but in this moment, he can only care about Erin’s steady breaths, and the happiness he feels inside when he thinks about her being his again.

* * *

The guys figure it out sooner or later. Jay’s smiles are contagious, and even Voight asks him if he’s that excited about being a father, or if something else has happened. That’s when he admits—reluctantly, but still—that he and Erin got back together, and accepts all the pats on the back with a grin. Everyone seems to be happy, and not at all surprised, as if they expected this outcome since the moment they found out about Erin’s pregnancy.

He’s surprised when he gets a text from the boss to meet him at his house. He hasn’t been there many times, with the exception of that one awkward dinner, and the time when Voight got kidnapped.

He’s even more surprised when he sees Erin there too.

“What’s this about?”

“Your living arrangements,” he replies gruffly. “You planning to raise a kid in that tiny hole you call apartment?”

“It’s not like it’s gonna come out that big,” she murmurs stubbornly. “And we have been looking at houses,” she confirms, Jay nodding as a support, though they haven’t been able to find anything they liked in their price range.

Voight looks around as if brining up old memories. “You know I always thought Justin would get this house. But he insisted on getting something of his own, and I could understand that. But this house is getting much too big for me.”

“Hank,” she starts, knowing where he’s going with this.

“It’s my gift to you both. If you want it. I’m getting a smaller apartment, but this house needs a family, and you need a house, and I would love for you to have it. That way it can stay in the family.”

Jay looks at Erin, and notices her eyes fill with tears at the idea of living here. It’s the first home she’s even known, he thinks. The first place that wasn’t just four walls to her. He can’t imagine a better place to make a home with her.

He stretches his arm out to shake his sergeant’s hand. “Thank you, sir. That’s very generous.”

“You’re about to give me a grandson, so I think outside of work you can call me Hank, kid.”

“Yes, sir, er, Hank.”

“It’ll be a learning curve for both of us,” Hank replies, laughing, and Erin bursts into tears, because even though she doesn’t cry at every tear-jerker commercial on tv anymore, this is just too much for her hormonal pregnant self.

“I love you both so much,” she sobs, and they both chuckle. “You’ve already packed,” she notices the boxes on the floor, when her emotions simmer down enough for her to start being aware of her surroundings.

“Kid, not to state the obvious, but the kid isn’t getting any smaller, and I thought it would be easier for you two to move before you grow any bigger. Besides there are some repairs that need to be done.”

“Jay knows a guy,” she assures him, and Jay laughs because he does. And somehow, for a while, everything is well in the world, and neither of them could wish for more than what life is giving them.

* * *

“Hey guys! Wow, you look amazing, Erin.”

She smiles politely, but Will can tell she still hasn’t forgotten the cold shoulder he’s given her since she came back, or that day he yelled at her at the hospital. He smiles warmly now. “Thanks,” she murmurs, her hand slipping into Jay’s. He squeezes back for reassurance.

“You guys here for your ultrasound?”

They both nod. Erin gulps nervously. Everything was normal with the blood tests they did, so they didn’t schedule any more tests, except this ultrasound. It’s an opportunity to, according to her doctor, find out the sex of the baby.

“Listen, Erin. I’m sorry for how I treated you when you came back. I was just looking out for my brother. You leaving messed him up pretty good.”

She nods. She can understand that, and after all, he is going to be family. “All forgiven.”

“Good, cause I need a favour from you guys.”

* * *

“Do you want to know?”

Erin looks up at Jay, but he avoids eye contact. They’ve talked about it. He wants to know, he’s made that perfectly clear, and she doesn’t. But he agreed to wait if she really didn’t want to know. It’s the first thing they’ve disagreed on in a long time.

But he’s been so good to her, and she just wants him to have this one thing, so she nods at the doctor. “Yes, we do.” She smiles up at Jay’s surprised expression, and marvels in the happy smile it brings out.

“Alright, it looks like a healthy baby boy. Everything looks great, the baby’s development is good. No signs of any abnormalities.”

They both let out a sigh of relief. “A boy,” he murmurs. “We’re having a boy.” Erin doesn’t know if she’s ever seen Jay this happy before. Sure, he was happy, but what she sees on his face is pure bliss. He squeezes her hand softly. “I love you.”

She smiles back, echoing her words, keeping the light flutter in her stomach to herself. This kid really wants their mom and dad together, she thinks.

“Jay, can you go on, I want to ask the doctor some stuff, and I’ll catch up with you. Find out what Will wanted.”

“Okay, I’ll be outside.”

And when she catches up minutes later with a wide smile on her face, he doesn’t question it at all, bothered more with the task at hand that Will just presented him with.

* * *

“We should start coming up with names,” he suggests, and she nods, putting her arms around his neck. She can’t even come as close as she used to, because her baby bump is big enough to get between them, but she can still pull him down for a kiss. They haven’t spent much alone time together lately, trying to move and buy the baby stuff as soon as possible. Besides that, both of them go to work, and when they come home they mostly go straight to bed. But they’ve both taken today off for the doctor’s appointment, so it feels nice to just be a woman kissing her man for a moment.

She deepens the kiss, her hands starting to wander. It’s been too long since she was able to touch him so freely, too long that she dreamed about him. He lets her pull his shirt over his head, before he pulls away.

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

His rejection feels like a slap across her face, until he explains. “Can we? I mean?”

“You mean because of the baby,” she realizes, blinking away the burning tears. “It’s fine. I asked the doctor.”

He grins, knowing exactly what questions she needed to ask the doctor before. His little minx.

“What did you think? That I didn’t want you? Erin, I’ve been going crazy these past couple of days. Sleeping in your bed, unable to touch you. I’m pretty sure I broke my self-control.”

She has a thousand things to say. That she knows she’s not desirable. That she knows the bags under her eyes don’t make her face the most beautiful. That she’s fat. But it all fades away when he looks at her like maybe she’s magic. It’s amazing, how one look can put her insecurities to sleep and envelop her in the feeling of calmness.

“So touch me now,” she whispers, her voice dripping with lust. And he doesn’t need to be told twice. His hands on her are gentle, but confident, and she melts into his touch. He walks her to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothing behind them, not bothering much with finesse, because it’s been way too long since he was able to strip her naked.

Her eyes close when he lays her on the bed, feeling utterly exposed. “I know the last time you saw me like this,” she starts, her cheeks turning red. “I—”

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers in awe. He pauses to kiss the bump, and whispers something she can’t hear to it. She giggles.

“What did you say to him?”

“To close his eyes and go to sleep, because daddy is going to make love to mommy,” he tells her, making her laugh, before moving his lips up, kissing the soft skin beneath. Her body comes alive with his touch, burning for him—only for him.

Then all her insecurities are forgotten, and his fears are too, because they get lost in each other—in the physical contact they’ve been denying themselves for too long. And if she feared it would feel awkward, it doesn’t. It feels right. It feels like the time that’s passed between them just evaporates.

He makes sure she feels comfortable, and loved, and safe at all times, and she loves him for it. It comes as no surprise to her anymore, when she comes with a sigh of his name, and a tear falls down her cheek. Her emotions seem to be getting the best of her a lot lately.

“Is that a happy tear?”

She smiles. “It’s an I’ve-just-been-to-heaven tear.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Perfect,” she murmurs, as he pulls her closer from behind, pressing a hot kiss on the back of her neck. “You?”

“Same. You know, I was just thinking that the last time this happened was the time we made him.”

She smiles. It’s become a _him_ the minute their doctor told them about it, and she’s not sorry she asked her to tell them. She can get lost in the dreams of a little boy now, with reddish hair and freckles, and maybe blue eyes. She will just die if their son inherits Jay’s baby blues.

“If I never got pregnant, we never would have gotten back together,” she ponders out loud. “Funny how the world works.”

“No matter how we got here, I’m glad we did. Because I never want to lose you again.”

“Good, because I don’t want to lose you either.” Her head rests on his chest, so she’s not looking at him, but she can feel his smile. His fingers lace through her hair, and she has never felt more at peace than she does. She wonders quietly if this can last, because in her experience there is always something that ruins this perfect image. “By the way, what did Will want?”

“Oh, he asked if we could babysit this weekend. He wants to take Natalie away, and the babysitter got the flu.”

“What did you say?”

“I said sure. It’ll be good practice.”

“Well,” she whispers—her voice sultry and low, and he knows exactly where this is going.  “Then we better make the best of this alone time left,” she says with a grin, straddling him. They spend the next couple of hours making up for all the lost time.

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Babe, it's too hot,” she whimpers, and as a drop of sweat trickles down his forehead, he is more than inclined to agree. They’re smack in the middle of a heat wave in Chicago, and the weather is really not sparing anyone.

“Even the crime is down,” she mutters. “Because even the criminals are too hot to do their thing.”

“The guy is coming tomorrow to fix the AC,” he assures her. He feels bad, because she seems to have taken this sudden wave of heat especially hard. He doesn’t really get it until Will explains that pregnant women already have a slightly raised temperature, so the hot and humid weather is even worse for them.

He wishes he could do more than change her wet pads from time to time, and curses the blasted AC that has decided to break down at the most inappropriate time.

“I hate this,” she whispers with a sound he thinks is dangerously close to sobbing. “I want to cuddle, but you’re too hot.” That explains why she’s been pushing him away.

“I’m sorry, babe. I’m sorry about the AC, and I’m sorry I’m too hot.” He grins as he says it, unable to throw away the opening she just gave him. “Though in my defence, I was born this way. It can be a curse for sure,” he continues, and dodges a pillow that flies his way. It does get him that wonderful laugh of hers, so considering, the pillow that does hit him a second later is definitely worth it.

* * *

“I don’t understand why you’re pushing this so hard!” She screams back. It’s been two days. Two days of bickering, because they’re both hot, and he’s sorry for brining it up in the middle of a heat wave. Neither of them are being rational. That much is obvious.

“It’s important to me. It’s how I was brought up. I really don’t see a problem!”

She lets out a frustrated scream, and slams the door of the bathroom in his face.

“I can’t even talk to you, when you’re like this! You’re not even listening to me!” He tries, but the door remains stubbornly closed, though he knows it’s not the door that’s stubborn, but her.

It’s been like this for two days, since he brought up wanting to have the baby baptized. She freaked out on him, and has been acting irrational ever since. It drives him so crazy that he’s actually fighting with her, which doesn’t happen that often, especially now that he doesn’t really want to upset her. He mostly just gives into her hormonal demands. But this is something that’s important to him, and she’s not even hearing him out.

The fighting period is followed by a silence period, until he comes home the next day, and there is dinner waiting for him. She looks at him apologetically, then returns her stare to the floor.

“I’m not saying I’m agreeing,” she starts when he paces to the fridge to get a beer out. It’s unusual for him to drink now that she has given up alcohol completely, but he does occasionally indulge in a bottle, and apparently, she drove him to the end of his limit. “But I want to know why this is so important to you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to say it.”

He huffs. She looks so guilty he can’t stay mad at her, but he throws in a glare just for good measure.  

“Part of it is because I was raised that way. And I’m not saying I’m the biggest believer, but when you went into surgery, I prayed. After years of not doing it, I prayed to God that you and the baby would be okay. I begged.”

Her eyes fill with tears now, realizing how impossible she’s been for the last couple of days. With all the fear she’s been feeling lately, it hasn’t come across how scared he must have been—how his life must have just stopped for a second when she went into surgery. And she was put under, but he had to bear through every painful moment of the wait, wondering if he was going to lose her or the baby, or both. “You should’ve told me,” she murmurs, a single tear making its silent way down her cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We’re good.”

She nods, wrapping her arms around him. Her head rests on his heart, just like she likes it, and his lips are touching her head with a forgiving kiss.

“We can baptize the baby,” she relents. “But I’m not going to Church on Sundays.”

“Deal,” he replies with a chuckle, thinking he can work on that later. Their day returns to normal. Or at least their new normal.

* * *

“Man, stop yawning! You’re making all of us tired.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just tired,” Jay apologizes to the grinning Antonio.

“What from? It’s not like you already have a crying baby to keep you up at night,” Ruzek wonders out loud, and Jay rolls his eyes, but Antonio grins even wider, cocking his eyebrow at Jay.

“Not a crying baby, but a hormonal girlfriend,” he suggests, and knows he’s hit the nail on the head when Jay blushes slightly. Antonio does have two kids, so assumingly he went through the same thing.

Adam looks confused so Dawson explains everything about pregnancy hormones, and how their buddy Jay is getting ‘too much’ of it.

“You’re both idiots,” Jay mumbles, when Adam burst into laughter, and even Burgess joins in.

“Don’t worry, man. It passes into “I’m too fat, don’t even look at me” phase, so enjoy it while you can.”

It’s all innocent banter he knows, but still feels the insane need to defend Erin. “Hey, if you have so much energy, you can help us move this weekend. I’m sick of being the only one getting bossed around.”

All of them volunteer to help at the end, mock complaining, but Jay knows they’ll be the first ones there and won’t let Erin lift a finger. The whole team has been acting very protective of their momma bear, as they affectionately nicknamed her. Erin, of course, is digging this new development of being able to boss everyone around (and they actually do what she says).

* * *

It’s the same story that night after he heads to bed. He wishes he didn’t have to do it, but he just has to explain to her that he’s too tired and he needs sleep. She doesn’t say anything at first, only nods, her big eyes filling with tears.

“It’s happening. I’m too fat now, and you don’t want me anymore.”

“Babe, no. You know I always want you. I’m just so tired, I’m afraid I’ll fall asleep in the middle of it.”

He manages to calm her enough for both of them to get to bed, where he instantly falls asleep. He doesn’t wake enough to feel her slip out of the bed, and he’s not surprised when he doesn’t find her in bed the next morning, assuming she’s just gotten up before him.

There is a steaming cup of coffee on the counter in their sorry mug. She got him that mug once when she was trying to apologize for something, and it’s gotten into her habit that every time she wants to apologize for something, she makes him coffee in that cup. He smiles, knowing she’s not angry anymore, and heads to work feeling rested and calm.

The second night, he’s still awake when she murmurs she can’t sleep and that she’s just going to watch tv until she feels tired. In the morning, the bed is cold, so cold he knows she hasn’t slept in it at all, and he finds her cuddled on the couch, lying on her side, clutching the blanket, though she doesn’t need it anyway, because this heat wave is still unrelenting.

He puts it together the third night, when the same thing happens, and he finds her on the couch again. It’s then that he confronts her about it, thinking she’s angry at him again.

“Babe, but I’m not angry. You need sleep, and I need to be away from you because I keep getting distracted.” Because he’s hot, and she wants him literally all the time.

“You’ve been sleeping on the couch because of that?”

“At least until these hormones settle down a bit,” she replies cheerfully, giving him a peck on the cheek as if to prove they’re okay. “You coming? We need to go, or we’re both going to be late.”

She rushes them out of the apartment. He drops her off at the headquarters, and she makes her way inside, munching on a nougat croissant. But their morning conversation just doesn’t leave her alone. It overwhelms her with guilt that she’s expecting too much of him, and she has to have a cry in the bathroom before heading upstairs.

It doesn’t leave him either, so when he comes home to Erin folded into the couch, watching tv, he puts his things down and joins her so they can talk.

“Babe, talk to me.”

“I can’t. It’s fine, Jay. Really, it is.”

“No, it’s not. Tell me.”

“It’s these bloody hormones, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I do.”

“I just feel,” she struggles for words, “horny all the time. It’s the hormones, making my sex drive jump through the roof. And I get your side, I do. But I just wake up at night and you’re there and I can touch you and wake you, and my body doesn’t understand that you need sleep. My body doesn’t understand anything lately.”

She starts crying, and he’s sorry he brought it up, but happy nonetheless that she told him how she feels. “So you’re saying, you’re like a teenage boy unable to stop a boner?”

That earns him the chuckle he was aiming for, and she nods through the tears. “Something like that.”

“I’m sorry. I was just really tired that night, and you know I don’t like doing it, if I can’t do it well.” He winks at her, earning a chuckle. “It wasn’t my intention to push you away, or make you sleep on the couch.”

“I know,” she assures him. “And I told you I’m not mad. I’m just not sure how to balance it all.” Her hand goes to her belly immediately. It’s gotten into a habit every time he kicks or moves, and his hand joins her.

“Baby doesn’t like us fighting,” he teases.

“We’re not fighting.”

“No, we’re not.” He pulls her closer so he can kiss her—kiss her hard and deep and well, as he has wanted to all day long—all three days long to be more exact. She groans into his mouth, muttering something about not starting something he can’t finish, but he’s already tugging at her hand to get up, walking her to the bedroom.

There is no time for slow. He tugs at her clothing until it comes off, moaning when he feels her hand on his growing erection. His belt buckle comes undone under her skilled fingers, between her cursing at him for wearing a belt at all. The low chuckle vibrates against her lips as they kiss while he gets rid of her sweats. It makes him lick his lips, seeing her like this. His gorgeous woman spread on the bed for him to have. The fact she’s carrying his baby makes her even more wonderful.

He makes sure to tell her, because he knows her self-esteem is taking a plunge down right now, so he tells her how sexy and beautiful she is, and shows her how much he wants her, when he drives into her.

Her body is warm against his, as he takes her closer to that peak each time he thrusts. His free hands settle on her breasts, knowing how sensitive they are, so he cups them gently, emboldened when she moans louder at his touch. “Yes! Right there!” When he hits the spot a couple more times, she comes with a force that has her hips bucking up, and fists clenching the sheet.

He follows her after a few more thrusts—his world stopping for a second before he comes back to real life. He thinks he’s never felt closer to her than in that moment, and when he looks into eyes he wonders if she feels the same way.

“You’re not sleeping on the couch anymore,” he tells her, and she giggles, curling into a ball next to him, warm and naked. It’s the only agreement he needs before he drifts to sleep.

* * *

“So, why did Natalie and Will need us to babysit?” She wonders again, because he dodged her question before.

“They have plans.” He smirks. The kind of plans that don’t involve a toddler, no matter how cute he is. But he also knows about another plan. The truth is, Will has fallen head over heels for Natalie. He was in love before, but since they got together, he realized she really was the one.

“Wait, is he—?”

Jay nods, surprised that Erin put it together so fast. If he knows her well enough she looks almost disappointed, though why, he doesn’t know. But the ring is safe in Will’s pocket, as they drop Owen off and head to some earned private time.

Owen is a joy to have around. He’s bubbly and smiley, and doesn’t make a mess while eating. She wonders if all babies are this good, but probably not. It’s all fun and games, until Jay goes to the bathroom and Owen thinks it’s a good idea to burst into the most terrifying cry she’s ever seen.

She tries everything to calm him down—making faces, giving him his favourite toys, but nothing works. When Jay returns, he looks at him surprised, because Owen is not usually a baby that cries a lot, and when he says that out loud, he suddenly has two crying people, though her tears fall silently, and he wants nothing more than to kiss them away.

He figures out after about five minutes of hell that Owen’s favourite toy fell under the couch and he couldn’t get it out, so when they get it back to him the tears dry, and he doesn’t even know anything was wrong after that. Erin, on the other hand, is not so quick to forget this failure, as she calls it.

“I’m going to be a terrible mom,” she sobs quietly, trying not to alarm Owen, who’s happily playing with his toy.

“You’re going to be great. Trust me our kid will occasionally cry too.” She looks defeated. “Besides, we’re in this together every step of the way. Don’t worry. We got this, babe.”

As if on cue, Owen raises his little head, climbing into her lap and drying her tears with his tiny hands. She gets overwhelmed with a feeling of love for this pure, uncorrupted being that’s too good for this world. Her hand caresses his head, and he smiles at her. “’Ot this,” he echoes Jay’s words from before.

“Yeah, we do,” she agrees, swallowing the lump in her throat to make it burn less. She throws a glance at Jay playing with Owen’s hand. He’s going to make an amazing dad, she thinks, suddenly feeling so lucky that he’s her partner in this.

One thing she has never seen is how a toddler falls to sleep. It’s funny, she admits to Jay. It reminds her of a toy running out of batteries, first he’s there, and then he’s on the couch asleep.

They put on his pjs, waking him briefly to brush his teeth. Natalie warned them about his habit of falling asleep in the middle of playing, but she asked they stick to the routine anyway, so they literally hold him up while he brushes his teeth without real enthusiasm, and then crashes on Jay’s shoulder while he carries him to the portable crib Will left them.

“He knows a good thing when he sees one,” she murmurs. “Those shoulders.”

“You want to go to bed?”

“Not tired,” she admits. Her sleeping habits have been all sort of weird lately, because she takes regular naps, but doesn’t feel tired when it’s time for bed. They settle on the couch again, with the baby monitor safely next to them, watching the game on low audio.

“How’s the nursery coming?” She asks, because he won’t let her in there, because apparently the paint needs to air out, and it could be bad for her to breathe it.

“Great. The guys are coming tomorrow to help with the furniture. You’ll be able to see it real soon.”

“Cool. I can check one more thing off the list.”

They have moved most of their stuff. Jay had most of his in storage since he moved in with her before she left. They’ve moved everything from here that they don’t essentially need. Erin bossed the guys around all weekend, until everything was how she wanted it.

The truth is, she’s glad she did the List. Because time is running out and there are still so many things to do.

“We’ll manage everything,” he promises, when he sees the frown on her face. “We have help. Stop worrying your pretty little mind.”

“I just want to be ready.”

Little does she know that nothing can prepare her for what’s coming.

* * *

She winces, placing her hand on her growing stomach, trying to calm down the clearly upset baby inside. “Shhh, it’s okay. You’re gonna be a boxer or something for sure.”

“Erin? Is that you?” A male voice comes from behind and she turns to face him.

“Alex?” She’s pretty sure he’s one of the broken hearts she left behind in high school that Hank was talking about back then. They had a brief romance, if that’s what you call it, and then parted ways in not such a friendly manner.

“Wow,” he says awkwardly, pointing at her. “I never took you for a family person, being a mom and all.”

She tries not to roll her eyes too obviously and chuckles. “Well, you never know what life has in store for you.” He agrees with a nod.

“He ran off?” He asks, pointing at her left hand, which is still ring free of course.

“Just to the frozen section.” Jay voice fills her ears and she breathes more easily. His presence is as calming as ever, and she reaches out with her hand until she feels him. It doesn’t make sense to her why seeing him would faze her so much.

“Alex, this is my boyfriend Jay. Jay, this is Alex, we went to high school together.” She thinks it’s wise to leave the detail of sleeping with him out, because Jay is already looking protective and possessive. It’s turning her on a little bit.  

They exchange pleasantries, but she just can’t let the snide remarks about her being a mom, and a single one at that, slide. It makes her feel like she’s right back in high school, and she wonders what happened to Alex, since she doesn’t remember him being like this. Then, all of the sudden, an explanation appears in high heels and a miniskirt. Samantha Matthews—her high school nemesis. By the way she places her hand possessively on his, Erin guesses the ring shining on her finger is his doing.

“Sam. Nice to see you.” Not even being a polite and nice person can make Erin smile at the girl who completely ruined her high school experience. It was a time when she had just wanted to belong somewhere, and Sam took that away from her. Sam reluctantly replies with a same cliché line.

And Erin realizes it doesn’t bother her anymore. Because here she is, belonging more than ever as Jay slides his hand into hers.

“Wow, a baby. Who would have ever thought? Did you know Erin was voted most likely to end up in jail for the yearbook?” Sam asks Jay, visibly admiring his abs and broad shoulders. His brows raise at the remark, wishing he could strangle the woman. He sees Erin’s glare, and thinks it would be wise to get her away before she really does end up in jail for murder.

The ice cream container he picked up for her from the freezer ends up in the cart, and awkward silence descends upon the four of them for a second, until he hears her heavy breaths and asks if she’s okay.

“He’s just very lively today,” she reassures him, but he decides they’re going home and she has to put some effort into convincing him that they don’t need to leave their cart in the middle of the store and leave right away.

“It was nice seeing you guys,” Jay says, before pushing Erin and the cart away from the toxic people who are looking at them like they’re common criminals. Just for good measure, she pulls him in for a hot kiss before they leave—not because she’s petty or anything, but because she wants to remind Sam, that she might swallow Jay with her eyes, but she’s the one who gets him, and that, in Erin’s eyes, definitely means she won. (Okay, so maybe she’s a little petty.)

* * *

“You’re somewhere deep in thought,” he notices, while giving her a foot rub. She in month eight now, which means her feet are in pain a lot, and he does whatever he can to make life easier for her. He can’t physically carry the baby instead of her, so he does everything else that he can do.

They’re lounging on the couch, the silence around them blissful and new. It’s their first weekend in their new house. It’s mostly new for him, because she spent her teenage years in it. She has to admit the house looks good after some renovation and fresh paint. Most of the guys from the unit, some hospital staff and some firefighters off duty and one very bossy pregnant lady came together to make this place as perfect and spotless as it is.

“I was thinking about marriage,” she admits. “I heard Natalie said yes.”

“She did. Will is over the roof happy.”

In a rare moment of complete honesty, the thing on her minds slips out. “I was actually thinking about the ring. The one you were going to give me.”

He lets out a sigh. “Is that why you looked so down when I told you about Will’s plan? Erin, you got it all wrong.”

_“You’re proposing man, you should have it.”_

_“I’m telling you, no. I think you and I both know that you found your girl first. You were going to propose months ago, and then you guys found your way back to each other against all odds. This ring was meant for Erin, and she should have it. Mom would have wanted it like that.”_

_“Mom would’ve been shocked we both managed to find such fine women,” Jay comments, causing Will to laugh._

_“Shocked, but happy. So, what do you think?”_

_It’s beautiful, man. She’ll love it.” They both glance down at the vintage cut diamond Will just picked up from the jeweller’s store and sigh. Now all there is left to do is talk their pretty ladies into thinking they’re good enough for them._

“So, it wasn’t the same ring?” He holds up a finger—a sign for her to wait here as he jumps two stairs at a time to upstairs, returning with the red velvet box.

“You mean this ring? Nope. That’s still here. Waiting for you to make an honest man out of me.” 

The tears veil her eyes, sliding down her cheeks. How did she come to deserve him? How is this man, as good, handsome and sexy with her? His fingers brush her wet cheeks, and she lets out a cute little hiccup. He chuckles at it, and it makes her smile. It’s wonderful how he can always cheer her up—not matter what, when or how. He’s her constant rock.

Thinking about it makes her cry harder, until he places the box on the table and pulls her into his lap so he can wrap his arms around her like she deserves. His hand ends up on her belly almost protectively, as he lets her get all of it out, knowing that she’s a slave to the hormones and her emotions right now. It only takes a couple more minutes for her to calm down, and apologize (as she always does after a crying episode—not that he ever minds).

But the highlight of that day is, without a doubt, the moment when Erin lays her head softly on his shoulder—half-asleep with puffy eyes—and looks at him. _I will._ He only asks after a couple of seconds what _will_ she, and then it sinks in, and he’s not ashamed to admit he cries, because the woman of his life just subtly agreed to be (officially) his forever. So yes, he cries while sliding his mother’s ring onto her finger and he doesn’t need hormones as an excuse. Happiness is a big enough reason.

“I was going to do something special,” he admits, but she shakes her head.

“If I spend the rest of my life doing exactly this,” she tells him, “I will be the happiest woman alive. It’s perfect. It’s us.” He replies with a radiant smile, kissing her until she can’t breathe anymore. She’s right, he thinks—it is them. They’ve never been people of grand gestures. For them it was always in the small moments, in the little things, like how she casually told him she was in love with him while waiting for a red light, after he told her to move in with him at the break room of the precinct.

She gasps, touching her baby bump—his hand following hers right away. The baby is definitely pleased, judging by his gentle movements.

“Can we do something small though? I don’t want a big spectacle.”

“Just friends and family,” he assures, not bringing to her attention that their friends include half the precinct, fire department and hospital staff. They can deal with that after the baby is born.

For right now, he’s just going to marvel in the fact that for once everything is going just way it’s supposed to.

* * *

“Babe?? Are you okay?!” He knows he sounds more than alarmed, but there are sounds of weeping coming from the bathroom. “Please tell me you didn’t slip in the shower.” He hovers at the door briefly before pushing his way in, finding a crying Erin sitting on the floor. His eyes quickly scan her for injuries, but other than crying, she looks unharmed.

“I was going to shave my legs,” she gets out between sobs, “but I can’t reach them.”

He tries to hide a laugh, because she’s glaring in his direction, almost waiting for it. But he doesn’t mean it in a bad way—she’s just been so sensitive the last couple of days. Obsessing over being too fat, or a whale, or clumsy. Nothing he says has been able to make her feel better. It’s not easy to see her like this—his always confident Erin so insecure.

“Babe, your body is a home for our baby, he’s growing, so you’re growing. You wouldn’t want him to run out of space?” He teases her with a wink, and it works temporarily to dry the superficial tears on her face. “And you are in luck, because I happen to know a thing or two about shaving.” He brushes his smooth chin against her face, making her chuckle. She’s been so sensitive lately, he’s had to shave smoothly every day, because otherwise she’d refuse to kiss him.

“Will you still love me if I never shrink back?” She asks as he’s sliding the razor up her leg.

“Yes. I will love you no matter what,” he assures, not even bothering to tell her that’s not going to happen, because it’s not what she needs to hear. “I will love you when you’re old and bald and fat and senile.” His fingers brush against the ring on her left finger. “Always. Forever.”

“Good,” she sniffs, putting her other leg in his lap. The crisis is seemingly over.

* * *

“It was creepy, okay? It was like I was having Rosemary’s baby,” she tells him, as he cleans around her. The girls had left just an hour ago, and Natalie is picking up the decorations they used to throw her a baby shower. It was a bit late for it, but they made sure Erin didn’t even have to move from her spot on the couch, and they kept it light and breezy.

He chuckles, not worried, and even Natalie laughs it off. “It’s totally normal. It’s the fear of giving birth manifesting itself in your dreams. You should see the dreams I had towards the end.”

Erin then laughs with them, taking a deep breath again. Her hand sneaks to her back to rub the numbing pain away.

“Braxton Hicks again?” He asks, still with a smile, leaving the trash and coming to her.

“I don’t know. It’s been happening a lot.”

“How often?” Natalie asks right away.

“I don’t know, like two hours, every couple of minutes. I thought it was just cramps.”

“I’m just gonna feel your belly, okay?” Erin nods, and Jay steps back to let Natalie do her thing. Worried glances tell him how scared Erin is as well. She’s trying to be brave, but he can read her like an open book. She nods and shakes her head to a series of questions Nat asks her.

“It’s not time yet,” she whispers to nobody in particular, tears gathering in her eyes. “It’s only 37 weeks. It’s too early.”

“Erin, take a deep breath, okay? I need you to stay calm. Jay, go get the car ready.”

“What’s happening?”

“You’re showing signs of early labour. I want to get you to the hospital to get checked out. I want you to keep calm, okay?”

Natalie’s soothing voice rings in her ears, but all she can hear is the echo of her own words.

_It’s not time yet._

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

He doesn't really remember, but he will never truly forget.

Forget how her water broke on their way to the hospital, or how they rushed her to the delivery room. He was allowed to be with her—to stroke her hand with comfort, assuring her everything was going to be okay, even though he once again couldn’t be sure.

He feels like this is a déjà vu of the first time they came to the hospital, only then he was terrified the baby would never get a chance to grow and develop. Now, their baby is almost fully developed, and that gives Jay a sense of hope.

Pushing his fears aside, he focuses on Erin—helping her breathe like they learned in the classes they took together. Trying to make her focus on anything else but the pain and the fear of delivery. His eyes send all the love he has for her, all the positive energy he can muster. It’s not clear to him why everything has to always go sideways for them, but he can’t afford to think this won’t end well. He has to stay positive.

But he will never really forget Erin’s screams and tears on her cheeks as she delivered their baby into the world. He will never forget her pale face as she asked why the baby isn’t crying, before she lost view of the world and slipped away from him, and he was left with a bunch of doctors working on Erin and another bunch working on their baby, as he watched everything he ever wanted in life slipping through his fingers.

He will never forget how they removed him from the room, leaving him once again praying for the lives of the two most important people in his life. How Will came to stand to his side, and Voight placed a hand on his shoulder—all of them trying to look at the positive side, but they never even try to hide they’re terrified.

But really, he will never forget the first time they put his perfect pink little son into his arms, and how he felt he was cheating for holding him before Erin could, but swelling with pride that they made this perfect little being, who wrapped his tiny fingers around his bigger one, looking up with perfect blue eyes.

He will never forget Erin’s face when she first got to hold him when she came back to consciousness—first touching their baby, as her face got wet with silent tears. He won’t forget feeling like he could never get happier than he was in that exact moment when his hand connected with hers and hers rested on him and they created a chain—a family.

Liam Halstead was born on a Thursday, couple of days too early, and gave a big scare to his mom and dad. But from that moment on, he gave them nothing but joy for the remainder of his life.

He is a healthy baby boy, despite being born into the world almost two weeks too early. Jay and Erin joke that he was just in terrible hurry to meet both of them, just as they were to meet him.

Liam is already a star—surrounded by visitors at all times. The unit comes, everyone gushing, wanting to hold him—not even Adam ashamed to admit that holding this cute tiny little being is very cool, and Erin might have to rebuke her saying about not letting him near her baby, because he’s admittedly very good with Liam.

But when the visitors fade out and all that remains is the three of them, she takes a deep breath, finally being able to relax and remember the past couple of hours.

It was terrifying, waking up and not knowing what happened. The last memory she had was he asking why he’s not crying and then passing out. Doctors told her it was exhaustion, that it actually happens more often than she knows. Then Jay comes, holding their perfect little bun, and she gets to hold him, finally.

The connection is instant—she had never felt like this, ever before. She looked into those curious blue eyes and felt an abundance of love. It was something she would strive for, for the rest of her life. To make sure Liam never felt any shortage of it, and when looking into Jay’s eyes, she knows he feels the same. Their life just got another, very important purpose.

“How are you doing?” She asks softly, not to wake Liam up. “Daddy?”

“Like I’ve just been on a rollercoaster,” he replies earnestly, making her chuckle. It has been a ride these last couple of months. So many changes. Them working as a team to make the best out of a complicated situation. Finding their way back to each other. Mending their broken relationship. Working towards giving their baby the best life they possibly can. Moving into a new home, getting engaged. It has been a ride.

But he knows, as he looks down at his future wife and the mother of his children, there is no one out there he’d rather share the car with—even if she gets to drive all the time and he’s sitting on the passenger seat. He smiles, and she wonders what it’s about.

“Maybe I’ll tell you someday,” he promises. “You did amazing, you know? I was so proud of you in there.”

“Stop, I’m still hormonal,” she says with a sniff. “Thank you.” She doesn’t say anything else, but she hopes he knows that hearing that means everything in the world.

* * *

“What is this?” She asks, her expression somewhere between mild annoyance and amusement.

He raises his brow at her and the baby she’s holding at arm’s length. “A baby?”

“You fix this. You fix this right now, and I’m going to the shower. When I get back, it better be fixed.”

He nods, trying to stop the corners of his lips from turning upward, but ultimately fails, which earns him a scowl before she heads to the bathroom. It’s been a little bit of a struggle since they got back from the hospital. They’re both tired, both a little cranky, but both feeling reborn each time they look at their new-born baby with a case of a diaper put on wrong.

“This is your fault, buddy. Now mommy is angry at me. No, not at you, who could ever be mad at you. Look at you, you’re an angel. At me. And now daddy is not getting a kiss goodnight.”

He doesn’t see Erin standing between the bedroom and the bathroom, her lips spreading softly into a smile. Or her eye-roll when he pulls out a phone and googles how to change a diaper correctly.

“Oh, that’s not nice! I thought we were friends, and friends don’t pee on each other.” Lucky, he has a strong stomach, he thinks, and this does not affect him much. He smirks at the memory of Erin gagging a little when changing the little guy before.

Erin suppresses a chuckle, but lets herself murmur “That’s my boy,” softly before heading to the bathroom, leaving Jay to deal with the diaper and the cleaning. She’s been doing it for an entire day, and now, she thinks, as she slips into a bathtub, it’s his turn.

“I heard that!” Jay yells after her. “Not cool!”

But when she returns all fresh and relaxed, she does notice his diaper work has improved substantially from before. She checks it appreciatively, smiling at the sleeping boy in the crib. He won’t stay asleep for long, that much she knows to expect. It’s why she sneaks up on Jay, wrapping her arms around him from behind. In a rare moment of peace and quiet, she waits until he turns to face her.

And then, despite his earlier comment, she gives him a goodnight kiss.

* * *

“If I put him down, he cries,” she complains softly, not really bothered by the constant proximity of her son. The dark circles under her eyes reveal to him how tired she is, and he wants to do something.

He approached Voight a couple of days ago, before Erin got released from the hospital, asking for furlough. It seems insane to leave Erin alone with everything, and luckily his boss agrees, because he tells him to take as much time off as he needs. He’s been working a lot lately, earning some overtime, so he can afford to stay home with Erin and Liam.

They had to stay in the hospital a day longer, because at 37 weeks, Liam wasn’t born full term and there could be a number of problems, but Liam was born at almost full weight, and hasn’t shown any sign that coming out of a womb a little early has affected him in any way.

“Babe, why don’t you let me take him. He’s not hungry, so you can take a bath, or maybe a nap. Whichever sounds better.” His offer makes her gaze at him gratefully, passing the seemingly asleep baby to his competent arms.

She should have known he’d be so good at this—Liam loves being in his dad’s arms, and after the initial struggle, Jay has gotten amazing at everything, from changing him, to changing diapers, to putting him to sleep. He almost makes her seem incompetent. But it’s okay, she thinks. They’re both new at this, both still learning.

She decides on a bath first. It’s the right choice, she contemplates as she sinks into the hot water. It soothes the parts of her body that are still recovering from giving birth and she hums with pleasure. It’s very therapeutic, and the blissful silence that’s coming from the nursery tells her that Jay either managed to get Liam to sleep, or he still hasn’t put him down (their baby sure likes being held).

It’s only been a week, and their son is already being spoiled rotten with people stopping by constantly to _help_ , when really, they just want to see him and cuddle him, and okay she has a hard time letting go of him for anyone but Jay. The thought of her husband-to-be holding their baby makes her smile, and she slips into a quick nap, her head leaning on the bathtub she insisted on installing in the master bathroom.

Jay wakes her 20 minutes later, and the fact this is the most relaxation she’d had in days has her smiling cheerfully. She’s read all about the horrible consequences of birth, and it’s true—she wonders if her body will ever be the same again. But all she needs to do is look at Liam, to remind herself it’s all worth it.

“I wouldn’t wake you, but I’m sort of afraid you’ll drown in your sleep,” he comments, helping her get out of the tub, wrapping a fluffy white towel around her. “He’s still asleep, so why don’t you move to the bed, and we’ll wake you up when we need you.”

Sleep is precious these days, so she agrees, pulling out some comfortable pyjamas and heading for another nap, before Liam wakes up hungry.

The next two weeks consist of breastfeeding, recovering, sleeping and talking to Jay (since that’s about all she can do, besides kiss him). The truth is, she doesn’t know how she’d make it through those first couple of weeks without him. It’s completely overwhelming in the beginning. But their partnership transfers well to them being parents. They nap in turns, and cherish every second they get to spend with Liam.

Too soon Jay has to return to work, and their life starts resembling normalcy in some ways, though they’ve both pretty much accepted that their new normal is taking over, and they’re both fine with it.

* * *

When you are a parent, you will do the weirdest of things to accommodate that crying human in your arms. That, Erin realizes, includes sitting next to the crib for hours, because apparently the only way Liam can sleep, is while holding her finger. She’s dizzy with sleep, not quite getting much of it these days, but her baby doesn’t care. And she would do most anything for him.

She did figure out he would fall asleep and let go, but the little thing is surprisingly persistent, starting to cry every time she withdraws her hand. There is movement around her a bit later, and she realizes that she has fallen asleep at some point, leaning her head on the crib. Her neck is complaining a bit, but Liam is sleeping peacefully, so it doesn’t matter. Hold position.

“Hey,” he murmurs with a sympathetic voice. “Here.” He passes her a soft pillow, pushing it under her neck so she can rest her head for a bit. “Want me to switch with you for a bit?”

“I’m good,” she says with a smile. “We’re good. You should get some sleep, you have to work tomorrow.”

He nods, pressing a soft kiss on her lips. “Night.”

She echoes the word, then turns back to Liam. They’re good, she thinks. They may not be perfect at it, figuring out stuff as they go, but they’re making it work.

It’s the first night Liam sleeps all the way through. The painful neck is more than worth it.

* * *

The person Erin is most grateful for, besides Jay, is Natalie. She showers Erin with baby clothes Owen grew out of, and overall helpful advice from someone who’s done this before. It helps because overall Erin feels like she’s doing everything wrong, and overthinks every decision she makes regarding Liam. And when she feels like her body will never function like it used to before.

“They say it takes a village,” she murmurs and looks from the living room to the kitchen.

“I feel so lucky for our village right now,” he admits and she agrees willingly. Because Hank is holding their sleeping baby, Adam and Kevin are playing with Owen in another room, while Natalie and Will cook something up in the kitchen, giving the two new parents a brief moment to themselves. They gladly take it, cuddling up on the couch that was one of the things they brought with them, since it holds some special memories after all.

She nuzzles into his neck, pressing a soft kiss on the soft skin. He grins, pulling her closer, until they find a comfortable position.

“Should we wake them?” Will asks Natalie in the kitchen, when he spots the two tired parents taking a much-needed nap.

“Not yet, give them five more minutes. They’re going to need it.”

Will chuckles and agrees.

“You know, you’re only chuckling because you haven’t done this before. Owen was a nicely raised toddler when we moved in together. You never dealt with a new-born.”

“Yet,” he teases, capturing Nat’s lips with his. “I’ll have the best teacher I can possibly wish for.”

“Nice save,” she tells him. “Okay, now you can wake them, the food is ready and I’m starving.”

* * *

“You ready, kiddo?”

It strikes her that she doesn’t remember the last time she was this sure about anything. She smiles and nods. Smoothing down the fabric of her dress, she takes a step back, steadying her breathing. She might be sure, but that doesn’t mean she’s not nervous. It only means it’s the nice kind of nerves she’s feeling. “I’m ready.”

“You know that I was against this initially, but you guys are good together. It reminds me of Camille and I. It’s a great thing you’ve got. A great family.”

“Hank, now is not the time to make me cry,” she tells him, sniffling a little, as she watches him chuckle. “Thank you.”

“Alright.” He offers her his arm, and she laces hers through, holding her bouquet with her other hand. Then they walk down the distance towards Jay. And he’s looking at her in the way she always imagined he would—like he’s the luckiest guy in the world.

They did keep it simple, despite Jay’s doubts that it was possible. Setting it for September, they opted for an outside wedding. Her dress, as the theme goes, is a simple, but elegant A-line with a lace bodice.  Her hair is braided back and pinned up, decorated with small blooms of white flowers. She’s holding a simple bouquet of gerbera daisies and roses. The only jewellery she’s wearing is her engagement ring, soon to be joined with her wedding ring. But all Jay sees, as she walks towards him, is the radiant smile which could give the sun a run for its money.

They lock hands as tradition goes, her eyes getting misty all of the sudden.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to celebrate the love of these two people, who are a living proof that love is patient and kind. Today Erin and Jay proclaim their love for each other with these words.”

His hand feels warm in hers, and she hopes the words she’s about to say manage to convey how much she loves him—and if not, she hopes he can see it shining in her eyes. “Jay, before I met you, I was a cynic. I didn’t believe in true love. But slowly and persistently you changed that. You changed me. You showed me what it means to be loved, and to love in return. And I love you more than I ever thought possible.

I love that you make me smile, and that you take care of me and our family. I love that you give me hope. I love that you are strong when I’m not, and that you the one person I can always count on.  I love that you never give up on me.

I am a better person today, because of you. And I promise you that I will love you more each day. I promise you will never be alone in life, and my arms will always welcome you home. I promise to be your best friend and your partner in crime and in life, till death do us part.”

He gets lost for a second in her eyes, swallowing down emotions that threaten to spill over. How is it possible that he gets to marry this incredible woman today? That he gets to spend the rest of his life doing what he loves most, which is making her smile.

“Erin, from the moment we met, you’ve made my life extraordinary. I am so incredibly lucky to have found somebody who accepts me with my flaws and weaknesses. Somebody who listens, makes me laugh and makes me think and challenges me in the best way possible. You make me see who I really am, and who I am is always better with you.

I love you, Erin. When I look at you, I see a lifetime of happiness. I know we will undoubtedly face hard times, but with you by my side, I know we’ll come out stronger.

I promise I will never stop being the reason for your smile. When things get tough I will steady you. I will protect you and our family. I will be your best friend, and that I will keep proving to you just how much I love you, till death do us part.”

He lets out a breath, filled with relief that he made it through without getting choked up.

“Jay and Erin, you came here today to exchange these vows. Jay, do you take Erin to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as your both shall live?”

“I do.” It’s the easiest answer to a question he has ever had to give. Because he made this decision a long time ago, when she stood by him at Molly’s, and asked him if he wanted to hold her hand in public. He had kissed her back then, thinking that one day he’d talk her into marrying him. And here they are.

“Erin, do you take Jay to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as your both shall live?”

“I do.” And for someone who has been afraid of commitment her entire life, the words roll off her tongue surprisingly easily. But as she looks into his blues, getting lost in them a little, she knows that there is no one else she could ever love with as much clarity, and there is no one who could ever know her the way he does, scars and cracks included, but still loving the light shining through them.

“Erin, take this ring as a sign of my love and as a symbol of all that we share.” He slides the ring on her finger.

“Jay, take this ring as a sign of my love and as a symbol of all that we share.”

“If anyone can show just cause why this couple should not be joint together, speak now, or forever hold your piece.”

They both let out a sigh of relief when the world doesn’t collapse at those words, and nobody says anything. Everything always seems to go sideways for them when they’re supposed to be happy.

“Well in that case, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

“You better believe I will,” he says with a smile, leaning down to kiss the lips he’s kissed so many times before. And yet somehow, they always manage to surprise him with their warmth and sweetness.

And this time, they feel especially sweet, because for the first time ever, he’s kissing his wife.  

* * *

“This is too much,” she whispers in awe, as they close the door of a luxurious (there really is no other word to describe it) hotel room behind them.

“Shush. I feel bad enough that I can’t take you on our actual honeymoon yet.”

“We talked about this, he’s too little. We can’t leave him.” They agreed not to skip the honeymoon, but to postpone it, until Liam could stay with someone they trusted for a week. If they’re completely honest, until they can part with him for that long. He is the light of their lives, and they’re not ashamed to admit it.

“But you at least deserve a wedding night. We do.”

And because she can’t remember the last time it was just them two, she pulls down his handsome face and dips her tongue into his mouth. There are no fireworks. Instead, it feels more like a steady pleasantness spreading across her body, like coming into a warm room on a cold winter day. 

He holds her, just kissing her lips for a second, before her hands push off the blazer of his tuxedo. “I love you, Mrs. Halstead.”

She smiles up at him, suddenly realizing that she no longer has the name that has accompanied her since she was born. The Voights couldn’t officially adopt her, because Bunny wouldn’t allow it, so she remained a Lindsay, and she has learned not to let her name define her. But now, as she gazes up into her _husband’s_ eyes, she wants her name to define her for the rest of her life. He has not only given her his name and his love, but also a new beginning. A new life.

“I love you,” she echoes his word, welcoming the silence with another kiss, which he deepens, eliciting a soft moan from her. Their breathing turns urgent with need, so he turns her, helping with the dress she’s still wearing.

“You looked so beautiful today,” he whispers, tracing down her back with butterfly kisses. She leans back to keep her balance, letting the white bridal dress pool at her feet. He gasps, and she smirks, because this was exactly the reaction she was going for when she chose her undergarments.

Then, he literally sweeps her off her feet, scooping her in his arms, and laying her down on the enormous bed, looking down with love and adoration. Her arms reach up to undress him, just like he has undressed her, and the rest of their clothes end up on the floor between kisses and caresses.

He has made love to her countless times throughout their lives, but this is different and they both feel it. They seem closer to each other than they’ve ever been, as they plunge over the edge together—sighs of their names like a silent prayer that their love overcomes any obstacles thrown their way.

And as she curls against him, her fingers laced with his, she knows it will. She’s never known anything for sure in her life, but she knows this—as long as they’re together, they’ll be just fine.

* * *

One of the cons of having an extremely handsome husband is that not even the ring on his finger puts the ladies off. She sighs, enjoying the warm sun peeking through the branches of the park trees, while she observes a woman who just won’t give up on Jay. Luckily, Erin has figured out a sure way to chase them away, and it’s become a sort of an inside joke between them.

“Hey, buddy. Go find daddy.”

She doesn’t have to tell Liam twice. It is beyond her understanding how someone can move so quickly on such short legs, but he runs to Jay like a wind, while she keeps a steady eye on him. The cop inside of her, the agent as of lately, just can’t let him run a short distance without her careful eyes on him at all times. The world is just too dangerous and she knows that better than anyone.

“Daddy! Mommy is looking for you!” He yells when Jay catches him and scoops him up. She never gets tired of watching them like this from afar. The tenderness with which Jay is holding Liam warms her heart and creates a perfect picture that is surprisingly her life.

The woman who has been flirting with Jay until just now, apparently doesn’t like the sudden appearance of a kid, or the mention of his mommy, so she scatters faster than Erin can blink. Jay heads over with Liam on his shoulders, and grins at her when he comes closer. “You trained him well.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replies, grinning back. Despite the joke, there is no doubt there, no insecurities. Erin knows he would never look at another woman, and the same goes for her. He leans down to kiss her, and prove it. The sound of Liam’s laughter penetrates her ears from above, followed by a loud “yuck” as soon as her lips meet in a light kiss.

Sure enough, as she peeks up, Liam is covering his eyes not to see them kiss, and all she can think about is that soon enough he’ll be chasing girls or boys around. Maybe they have a few years before he hits adolescence, and he’s already talking about liking a girl in his day care.

One thing is for sure—they just grow up too damn fast.

* * *

“Hey, boys,” she starts suspiciously, when she enters the house. Jay relieves her of the two bags of groceries she’s carrying, so she can close the door. Her boys are both smiling mischievously, their eyes sparkling with joy. “What are you up to?”

Liam giggles, trying not to spoil the secret, but Jay knows he won’t be able to hold it in. He’s terrible at keeping secrets, and Erin knows who the weaker link is. She kneels down to kiss her favourite boy, and tickle him. “Tell me. Tell me! Or the tickle monster will come for you.”

“Hahaha no mama, stop.” The sound of his giggles echoes around the kitchen and Jay’s heart melts a little. “A puppy, we got a puppy,” he confesses and tumbles to the floor in a puddle of giggling child.

“A puppy?” She asks Jay, unable to even get mad when her boys are smiling like this. They have been talking about getting Liam a puppy. Neither of them got to have a pet when they were little, and they wanted to give this experience to their child.

“We were just gonna look at them,” he explains, taking the tiny being out of the open box. “And we fell in love with them.”

“Them?” She asks, already melting at the wiggling ball of fur Jay is holding. She peaks into the box, thinking for a second that she’s seeing double. But no, they did indeed get two puppies.

“They’re brothers, mama, we couldn’t just take one.”

“Is that so?”

“Are you mad?” Liam asks, climbing into her lap with one of the puppies. Her heart swells with love and joy that this is in fact her life now.

“Only that you picked them out without me!” She says, tickling the little monster and enjoying the sound of laughter echo around the house. He’s only four, but already he looks so much like Jay, especially in the matching Henleys they’re wearing, and the brother puppies they’re both holding.

“Sorry, mamma. You can name one,” Liam offers with a smile. “They’re both boys.”

“Both of them? Wow, I’m surrounded by boys.” She catches Jay’s eyes for a second, loving the warm feeling that washes over her. The feeling she can best describe as home.

“You love your boys.”

“I do, I really, really do.” She presses a loud kiss on his cheek, getting up. Jay follows her lead, as they let Liam play with the puppies.

“Hey, something wrong?”

“Just a long day.” She lets him envelop her in a hug, letting his arms rub away the tension in her muscles.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, I hope you’re ready for more chaos in this house,” she tells him. “Because on top of the addition you just brought in, we’re getting another one.”

He stares at her for a second, before it dawns on him what she meant, and his face lights up with a smile. “Are you? Are we—?”

“We are. I hope you’re ready for another small bump.”

He kisses her until they both run out of air, then he leans his forehead down against hers. “With you I’m ready for anything.”

Even though their life is about to get a bit more hectic with a toddler, a new-born on the way and not one, but two dogs, he couldn’t be happier. They’ve made this house a happy home for their family, leaving all the bad stuff in the past. And as they stand there in the kitchen, sharing a soft embrace while his hand rests on her belly, he has to wonder about the ways of the universe. Because it took two broken people and created something beautiful. Something strong and solid and amazing.

Something everlasting.

 


End file.
